I explain the inevitable fallout when a person with Self-Love Deficit Disorder (codependent) confronts and sets boundaries with their Pathologically Narcissistic family members. Confronting narcissistic family meuatment of them, the results in a cascade of narcissistic injuries, which decimates any possibility to continue a relationship.
The resulting terminated relationship is either initiated by the SLD, who no longer wants to be hurt or the narcissist, or by the offended narcissist, whose projected shame requires them to end the relationship.
Hence, the process of standing one’s ground, confronting narcissistic abuse, or trying to hold family members accountable for the harm they perpetrate, results in the SLD (recovering codependent) a “psychological orphan” – a difficult, sad, but necessary position to be in.
Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., LCPC, CADC latest book, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (2018) and his personal development, seminars, workshops, and other services can be found at his Self-Love Recovery Institute company,
Ross is a psychotherapist, educator, expert witness, and author and is known globally for his expertise in codependency (Self-Love Deficit Disorder™), Pathological Narcissism, Narcissistic Abuse and Trauma Treatment.
His book, “The Human Magnet Syndrome” sold over 120,000 copies and is translated into ten languages. Ross’s YouTube channel has amassed over 19 million video views and more than 200K subscribers. He is a keynote speaker and educator who has presented educational workshops in 30 States/70 cities and abroad. Ross has been regularly featured on national TV and radio.
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OMG!!! I can relate to this topic so much….💔
Wow, I already made this choice with family before this video. I appreciate learning to understand better why I made that decision. Thank you for sharing your wisdom about the issue!
Thank you for your work God bless 🧡💐
You truly are an expert. Thank you so much for all you do. You have helped me a great deal
I’m curious as to whether similar circumstances as these might be the driving factor in someone developing schizoid or schizotypal personality disorder?
I grew up feeling unloved and unwanted, And I realize that my so called family didn't show me any Love and looking back I can tell that I wasn't wanted.
AMEN to all of the above, and THANK YOU so much for being there, and for the important work you do. I like the term "psychological orphan", and I`d also like to thank you for creating a new term for the word "codependency". I like to think of it as the victim neither lacking self – love, nor being codependent, but simply haven`t had their love for themselves and for others beamed back at them, thus not being "deficient" in self – love, but just not having their self – love reflected back at them…
A word on shame; I do not necessarily agree with the prevalent view that narcissists have fragile cores, or are filled with great amounts of shame. I rather think that they are chosing to not face the consequences of their abuse, because they know that they may be able to get away with it. Another thing about shame, is that one should TAKE PRIDE in feeling ashamed, because it shows that one knows right from wrong, one are able to feel regret and compassion, and able to realize the consequences of one`s actions. For victims feeling the shame that belongs to the abuser, the victims can still benefit from this approach to feeling shame; take pride in it, instead of feeling crushed by it. In this way, it doesn`t really matter whether the abuser will own up to their own shame, or not.
Setting boundaries against narcissists should not be taken lightly, as you point out.
But there is solace to be found in knowing that "loneliness" is but an illusion; the more time you spend alone, the more you will actually be able to meet the needs that would otherwise lead to feelings of loneliness; whether being alone, or amongst others.
Loneliness is a sign of not being connected to certain parts of oneself, or to not be able to sit alone with parts of ones past that are too painful to relate to.
When setting the boundary of going no contact with narcissists, they may create a "shit- storm" against their victim, but they will in some cases in addition attempt to "defend" the victim, in public, in order to look like the "good guy". It all boils down to this; narcissists will do WHATEVER THEY NEED TO, in order to not have their abuse exposed.
Thank you also for pointing out the fact that who we are, will always be waiting for us.
Our dreams never die, and our talents will have "developed" in the shadows, even when not in use. So when we turn to use them, our progress is magically rapid and joyful.
Take care, and be blessed. Kind regards, and much love.
PS: I find that the term psychological orphan is a label fitted for the childhood of victims of parental narcissistic abuse, not for the adult. I think it`s time we view parents and family different. As adults, we do not need parents, or even to belong to a family. Parenthood should be about teaching the child to become it`s own parent, and "family", not as we see now; where children are being conditioned to think that their source of love, comfort, protection and support must come from parental figures, or "elders", even in adulthood.
This independent way of living, when the Self becomes it`s own "parent"/"family", is essential for humankind, to face life`s struggles and live beyond the perceived reality often served by society. Take care. Kind regards.
Thank you Dr. Rosenberg for this warning of the loss of those connections. My therapist didn't warn me.
True/ Holidays are the hardest part since detaching from dysfunctional family dynamic. I focus on making Christmas 🎄 as cozy & positive as possible / despite not being with my family. I focus on doing things I love 💕 like watching Christmas 🎄 movies 🍿, time with positive friends , reading 📚, cook 👩🍳 myself a holiday meal that is my favorite, I practice self love 💕/ self care 🥰. ⛄️