This is a re-edited version of the video that was published on YouTube November 21, 2013. Before taking it down, it had more than 493,000 views.
From my book The Human Magnet Syndrome:
“Covert narcissists are masters of disguise — successful actors, humanitarians, politicians, clergy members, and even psychotherapists who are beloved and appreciated, but are secretly selfish, calculating, controlling, angry and vindictive. Covert narcissists create an illusion of selflessness while gaining from their elevated status. Although they share similar basic traits with the overt narcissist, i.e., the need for attention, affirmation, approval and recognition, they are stealthier about hiding their selfish and egocentric motives. Unlike the overt narcissist who parades his narcissism for all to see, the covert narcissist furtively hides his real motives and identity. These narcissists are able to trick others into believing they are honest, altruistic and empathetic individuals. They are successful at pretending to be a more likable version of themselves, knowing that if their true identity was uncovered, they would not be able to maintain the respect, status and prestige that they have so furtively garnered.”
Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., LCPC, CADC latest book, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (2018) and his personal development, seminars, workshops, and other services can be found at his Self-Love Recovery Institute company,
Ross is a psychotherapist, educator, expert witness, and author and is known globally for his expertise in codependency (Self-Love Deficit Disorder™), Pathological Narcissism, Narcissistic Abuse and Trauma Treatment.
His book, “The Human Magnet Syndrome” sold over 120,000 copies and is translated into ten languages. Ross’s YouTube channel has amassed over 19 million video views and more than 200K subscribers. He is a keynote speaker and educator who has presented educational workshops in 30 States/70 cities and abroad. Ross has been regularly featured on national TV and radio.
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This was a super helpful reminder, as when you commonly deal with these folks as I do, it’s way too easy to get sucked into the persona again because nobody wants to believe anyone would be that subversive. You explained it very well, in a way anyone could relate to.
Oh my fricken!!! You just described my ex, wow…….
So accurate it’s scary. My covert ex called cps on me recently. There’s zero doubt that it’s going to come back unfounded BS. At first I was thinking of pushing for the name and having charges pressed. But after careful consideration I’m not even going to bother.
I’m legitimately scared of what she would do next. I’m not putting myself or my kids in danger by triggering that psycho any further!!
Coverts? Your example is more or less like a pathological or overt narcissist…
It is IMPOSSIBLE to detect a covert like you mentioned… And you mentioned they get aggressive… That's THE last measure they take and that's why it's impossible to identify a covert…
The best example is the game of chess… A covert would use people like in the game of chess to take out the one they want… Basically every narcissist use people as objects… But to coverts it's a game they enjoy doing so… They do not get directly involved that's what makes them hard to read and that why they are good in creating chaos… To Outsmart a covert is to have a death wish… They will hunt you down no matter where you are… That's why one need to use the law to keep some people out of certain distance (legally)… Their habits are equivalent to stalkers; and their works worse than pathological narcissist and sociopaths… Being against a covert can be dangerous…
If you get one… Please have them behind bars… It's not easy to get rid of them… They are a danger to the society… I have 2 in my personal life experience… 1. Mom's sister and 2. Brother's wife…
Chess has rules but they people don't… I just quoted their perspective that was all… Each covert has a pattern that's the chess game itself…
My dad is one of the best to deal with those coverts… He speaks of diplomacy… I cannot… Diplomacy is a drag to have the person too long and coverts never tire to use that time to know your weaknesses… That's why I'm blunt… If you can risk, you make them falter… They don't like being challenged, nor are they used to failures… BUT! Like I said, "it's a total risk.." Just ensure they don't know your weaknesses… Or they dig deep into your wounds and hurt you over and over…
There is one other clue… They make you feel you made a mistake by turning their crimes against you… You mentioned that we need to apologize… No need, they will twist it and make you apologize with the making you wonder how big a blunder you made against someone who tried to help you… Yes! That's yet another way coverts survive… They are mostly into trying to make you feel they are assisting… But the term you need to mention… These assistance they provide is a long term investment to collect favour in the later years… It's mere business to them…. Like every narcissist, they don't care for anyone but themselves… Coverts go an extra mile when it comes to ego… Because as the saying of Machiavelli: "hurt your enemies in such a way that you do not need to worry of their vengeance…" vengeance/hurt is physical with overt narcissist; but with covert you have everything to loose (physical and emotional)…
You need to know yourself very well to play against any narcissist… With coverts, you need to have a really good trustworthy team who knew you before you met a covert… They can spin, toss and confuse you so easily even your friends may not trust you; had they to speak with a covert… So you need to have a team who you knew before you met a covert; so they will analyze every word before trusting the covert…
Another way of identifying a covert is listen carefully… They speak sweet like they care, look for the truth… There will be negativity in many places which they cannot avoid… When they are trying to help or make you feel like they help, look for these negativity… A really caring person will not be self centred during the times of need… A covert will be both caring and negative… Look for jealousy and hesitation when they advice, they are looking to think what they will lose of you get better… They will not let you get better or independent of them… It's like this candyman hook… They will have that hook to keep you with them always…
My PTA mom, baking cupcakes & pity….. the covert narcissist who trained my sister to be the same monster.
Me: hi, my name is scapegoat.
I remember standing at my mom's funeral listening to people eulogize her as if she was the Donna Reed of mothers & feeling intense shame not agreeing with any of the angelic assessments.
She cut me off or froze me out so many times as both a teen & adult anytime I ran up against her bullshit facade. Of course, she always made it known to anyone that would listen what a horrible, unappreciative disappointment of a daughter I was during the times SHE froze me out or cut me off. It's so damaging.
Hey Ross I have a question will it ever get to a point where they would kill you ?
I married my love bombing covert narcissist after 4 months of loving bombing. Then less than a month after being married his true colors started to show. Then almost like clockwork, about once a month he would rage about something that made no sense. He became rude and mean. It was as if he had 2 personalities. He had no regard for my feelings, showed no respect & could not be reasoned with. I am proud to say I found the strength to get out. I couldn’t let him know what I was planning because some of his rages were so scary I felt the only way out was to leave while he was at work. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I’m now over 13 months out and I’m still working on healing from his mental abuse & gaslighting.
I was one for almost 4 years. everyone thought he was so nice and kind. I was his emotional punching bag. Nobody saw him like I did.
You got me scared cause I think I'm a codependent but you've got me thinking I'm a covert narcissist
Narcissists are drawn like magnets to positions as pastors; they leave more damage in their wake then any "ministry" they appear to do. Truly the epitimy of wolves in sheep's clothes…feeding off the sheep.